It’s impossible to go through a commercial break during a sporting event without seeing an ad for Ozempic, Drafttkings, or Fanatics in the year of our Lord 2024. 

Now obviously this blog isn’t about Ozempic because I ride my peloton every day and don’t need to lose weight and the blog isn’t about DraftKings because gambling is the devil’s work (so I’m told by many on Twitter).

It’s about Fanatics. A website that started selling sports gear that has somehow become a monopoly in the sports world. If you want to buy officially licensed gear it’s going to be through fanatics. 

Now, for those who don’t know, Fanatics doesn’t have the best reputation when it comes to its services and support. They have botched jerseys, unreal shipping times, and deals that aren’t deals once they hit the cart. Every time I order something from there I check the shipping information first thing in the morning waiting for an alert that something went wrong. I imagine that’s how parents feel throughout all of August and September when they send their kids to WVU, Coastal, or JMU.

But I digress, this isn’t about the incompetence of Fanatics, it’s about the preposterous things they sell on their website. 

And I get it. Capitalism! If you’re reading this blog about Liberty athletics I’m going to assume you’re a big fan of the ideology; but I can’t fathom that there are people out there buying these objects. If you are, please let me know because I have a ton of questions. 

(Jerry, our reigning LTBC champion probably has all of these things)

Liberty Flames Table Tennis Paddle: $31.99

Ping Pong, or Table Tennis, or whatever you want to call it can get pretty serious. I once went on a 7 game-winning streak at Lahaye back in 2010. The thing was, I just used the regular old paddles that I had a sign-out. They were beaten up and practically unusable. If someone walked up with a brand new paddle they purchased me and everyone else in that room would have laughed them out of the student center. If you’re going to be a ping pong hardo buy a legit professional paddle. I can’t take anyone seriously with a college-themed ping-pong paddle

The Exception: You have a themed game room and the ping pong table is LU and you use it to match or you’re using it to play Beirut. 

Liberty Alumni Lamp Gold: $669.99

I paid enough attention in Elmer Towns Old Testament class to know that when God said “Let there be light” He wasn’t referring to a SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLAR LAMP. 

It’s gold, neat. It says alumni on it, neat. But the thing is anyone can buy one. Just because you’re in Europe doesn’t mean you’re a European and just because you buy the alumni lamp doesn’t mean you’re an alumni. You could 3D print the university crest and hot glue it on a lamp from Amazon for a fraction of the price. I’ve been in a ton of homes and I can’t remember a single lamp that caught my eye. Plus the lamp doesn’t even have a USB to charge a device! Lunacy. 

The Exception: Anyone who has “screw you money”. And if that’s the case donate some to the Flames Rising Collective. 

Liberty Flames Pocketed Shorts Red: $54.99

I saw these shorts and I gasped. Not everyone might be up to date with fashion but shorts that go that far past the knees should only be worn when commemorating the 2013 Liberty Flames Basketball team.

Also, that’s a wild move to use the word “pockets” in the descriptions. If I’m spending that much on shorts they better have AT LEAST zip-up pockets. 

Let’s check the ratings…

The prosecution rests.

The Exception: None

Liberty Flames Fanatics Branded Game Ball Football Personalized Name & Number T-Shirt: $39.99

If you’re an adult who buys this and puts your name on the back I’m going to perform a citizen’s arrest for stolen valor. Walking around making people think you play or played on the football team? Don’t you dare let me catch you being cheap and making a player jersey tee. Support the players and their NIL by buying jersey tees from them directly. 

Also, the shirt is ugly. 

The Exception: You buy it for a child under the age of 12

Liberty Flames Easter Bunny Yard Sign: $39.99

I love Easter. Don’t get me wrong. It’s one of the most important days of the year and there is a lot to celebrate. 

But this bunny with a LU logo on the hat is just a blatant attempt from Fanatics to get you to spend a ton of money on something you don’t need. $40 for that might be crazier than the lamp I mentioned earlier. When you click on an item on Fanatics it tells you the last time people have bought the item. This one? Nothing! You buy it, put it down for what, three days? Take it back out put it away and do it again next year. Plus if you’re someone who owns this, you probably own a zillion other things telling people you’re a Liberty fan. 

The Exception: None